Thursday, February 19, 2009

Stock Traders March On Washington

With global markets continuing to fall, hitting new lows not seen in many, many years, no buyers in sight, companies being obliterated- stock traders around the world finally got fed up and headed to Washington, D.C. today for the 10 Million Man March.

It had begun last week with CNBC's Rick Santelli calling for a Chicago Tea Party- a taxpayer revolt- and quickly escalated into traders heard screaming out their windows- "We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it anymore!"

Not to be outdone, Larry Kudlow, CNBC's King Of The Hill, launched an out-and-out crusade against Bailout Nation, engaging Wall Street and Academic friends and foes in a bipartisan coup d'etat, to march on the Capitol.

Then, Jim Cramer, not to be outdone by Kudlow, jumped into the fray, quickly organizing his millions of Mad Money followers to join in on the March- imploring his throngs to "Boo-Ya" all the way along Pennsylvania Avenue.

Word of the march spread like wildfire- and traders near and far, already upset at the new Prez, his advisors, Congress, the SEC and FASB for being unbelievably inept and destructive- descended on Washington by the hundreds of thousands. Then, by the millions.

All longs. No shorts.

Chants were heard filling the air, "You want change Obama- we got your change right here!" (grabbing their groins in unison).

The Press flocked to the scene- camera's rolling- as the march headed toward the White House, finally settling at the Great Lawn.

Then, to everyone's amazement, JP Morgan's Jamie Dimon drove up to the show on a plain old beaten-up bicycle, carrying Girl Scout cookies and a very large bag. In front of the entire world, Dimon proceeded to dump 25 billion dollars (in thousand dollar bills) on the Lawn. Suddenly. a strong angry wind kicked up out of nowhere- and blew all that taxpayer money violently over the crowds.

Absolute Madness broke out as traders scrambled for the Free Money. Screw Bailout Nation. This is better than a 4-bagger!

Chaos ensued.

Warren Buffett was seen fist-fighting with Jim Chanos, growling that most of the money was his- and only his- flailing around, trying desperately to fend off the lowly day-traders battling for the cash.

Then, Michael Moore came piling into the melee. A true heavyweight. Yelling about some movie he was making about Wall Street that would shock people. He was there with his long-time agent, Ari Emanuel. But, wait! Ari Emanuel's brother is none other than Rahm Emanuel- the guy that got President Obama into the White House- and is now (ahem) the current White House Chief Of Staff. This was going to be a very interesting movie, indeed.

Just as suddenly, the wind stopped. There was an eerie silence.

A man appeared. He wore a black hooded robe- sickle in hand. Everyone stopped fighting- and stared.

The man turned solemnly to the masses and said, "Gentlemen- what, in God's Good name, have we here? Is this what we have become?"

And, a lone voice rose up from the herd and replied, "We are the Lost Souls Of Wall Street. We are Angry. We are Greed. We are Stardust. And we've got to get ourselves back to the Garden."

I shuddered.

The world had stopped. It was long past absurd. Was this all really happening? What had happened to the Markets I once knew- something had gone so terribly, terribly wrong.

Yet, this was how it finally came to pass. Greed and ineptitude had finally done us in. I was speechless.

They were speechless.

No one understood. But, everyone understood.
No one cried. No one moved.

It had just turned 4 o'clock. The markets had closed, forever.

Born alone. Breathe alone. Die alone. It was the End Of Days.

Well, kind of. You see, after-hours had now begun...and everyone was piling into a brand new stock- Eschaton Corp.

God had just upgraded it to "Outperform."

Ticker: (ESCH)

by GT McDuffy

(Disclosure: Author is short on Eschatology)

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